success

 
 As July is ending this weekend,  I am thrilled to give you this guest post today from Baby Hopes who blogs over at Chasing Our Stork! In this post she shares her adoption journey and some lessons learned. Tomorrow, I will post a Part 2 where she lists other important ideas that are so valuable in the adoption process. Bookmark these posts for future references! I think they will be incredibly helpful!

Mech and I began our adoption journey together nearly nine years ago. In truth, our individual journeys began much sooner, as we both had always felt drawn to international adoption. For me personally, I knew from the age of 13 that due to the early onset of Hashimoto’s, I would struggle with infertility. In truth, while having Hashimoto’s (especially a rare form that was under-treated or untreated altogether at times) is a less than desirable diagnosis, the realization that having children through pregnancy may be impossible was not altogether devastating. Nor was it for Mech. Before he proposed (just five months after dating!), I shared with him that marrying me meant taking the chance of never having biological children. He did not even hesitate in dismissing my fear over whether he would want to move forward in our relationship. Like me, he sees family as the blessing of bringing parents and children together… the means of doing so are completely irrelevant.

To us, bringing home children through international adoption is a blessing and a gift. There are so many amazing children in this world deserving of and in need of stable, loving homes. And parents who are in the process of adopting or have adopted will undoubtedly say that they are the ones that are blessed – that their children are the greatest gift of their lives and have been from the start of the journey. That is certainly true for us. Though our son and daughter are not yet in our arms, they are always on our hearts and they fill us with such love, pride, and joy. Each step that we make in our journey, each day that brings us closer is one that we count as a blessing.

One thing we have always felt (and that has been strongly reinforced by our Hague training and educational courses through our adoption agency) is that adoption is about coming together as a family through a unique, beautiful, and amazing way. There are as many wonderful and exciting (and yes, stressful) aspects about adoption as there are about pregnancy and giving birth. These two avenues through which families are brought together should be honored for their unique aspects. At the same time, they should be viewed as equally amazing ways of reaching the same goal: to become a family. Adoption is not about “rescuing” children. After all, they are your children. And adopted children are no more “lucky” than children brought home through pregnancy. We subscribe fully to the principles of caring for widows and orphans, and “the least of these.” But we feel that once you are on the journey of adoption, they cease to be orphans… they are your children. And, thus the call becomes about supporting and caring for other orphans. Adopting doesn’t mean you’ve “done your duty” to care for those in need. It means that you’ve been given the gift and blessing of a child, and that there are so many more that also need and deserve their forever families that they have been designed for, but that need your support until they are united with them.

For us, adoption is about finding our way to our children, as we would in any other way. We had hoped that if we had children through pregnancy, they would come home first. That way, it would be even one more demonstration that our children brought home through adoption equally a part of Plan A for our family as children brought home through pregnancy. After numerous failed treatments, we decided we were through waiting to bring our children home. We are not disappointed in the least. In the end, our children’s sense of belonging (each and every one of them) comes down to the words we say to them and the love we share… not the order in which they came home to us.

For now, we are nearing the end stages of our home study. We have also nearly completed our dossier, as we are striving to bring our son and daughter as home as soon as we possibly can. An optimistic timeline is to have our home study completed by the end of September, our referral and placement by the end of the year, and our son and daughter home by May of 2012. Each and every day is a challenge… waiting for them, wanting them desperately, and entrusting them to the care of others half a world away. It is by far the most difficult yet most amazing experience of my life… of our lives. When it becomes overwhelming, we find comfort in imagining the day they will finally be in our arms, and doing what we can to make our home the best place we can for them to come home to. We know, without question, that the day we at last hold them in our arms will be the best of our lives to date… and that everything it has taken to get there will be more than worth it.

Lessons Learned:

These are a few things we know now that we wish he had known when we first began the process…

1. Just as each family’s journey is unique, each adoption agency is unique. Whether they offer domestic and/or international, which countries they work in, what paperwork is involved, what post-adoption requirements are offered and required, whether they facilitate open and/or closed adoptions, fees, time-lines, and level of assistance throughout the process all differs substantially. What is most important is to find an agency that is best suited to your desires, timeline, and finances.
2. State requirements (for domestic) and country requirements (for international) differ substantially. Whether a country is Hague or non-Hauge, whether they have restrictions against health conditions, which forms are required, what the fees are, what the timeline is, how many hours of parent education/training are required, what ages are available, what genders, what unique challenges to anticipate, etc., all differ substantially between countries. Moreover, adoption requirements for adoptive parents (which agencies you may work with, how many home study interviews are required, which forms, what must be notarized and how, etc.) differ between states. In addition, laws for domestic adoptions between states differ from state to state. One of the first steps in the process is to familiarize yourself with your state laws. No one will necessarily ask or tell you to do this, but it is a key step in helping yourself to become familiar with what the process will look like, what the rights of parents and children are, and what restrictions there may be.
3. Organization (of some form, at least) is NOT optional. Whether adopting domestically or internationally, you will be given lists sometimes pages long of what must be completed and how, what must be notarized, what official forms, what employment and financial verification, what medical exams are required, etc. A loss or delay in any stage of the paperwork can cause delays in your adoption. My advice is to get an expandable folder with tabs you may label. Particularly in international adoption when you are moving between the home study, dossier, and post placement requirements, having an organized, central place for paperwork is key.
4. Begin learning early on. Adoption is a beautiful process and unique in its way of bringing families together. With that come a host of unique challenges (but also unique benefits!) that parents must be prepared for. The more educated you are, and the more you learn best practices early on, the better adjusted your child will be (as proven by adoption experts and therapists time and time again).
5. Be your own advocate. No one wants your child(ren) more than you do, and no one will work as hard as you will to bring them home. A proactive, hands on stance will move the process forward and have your children in your arms under the conditions that are best for your family.
6. Accept the journey for what it is. It can be *hard* and sometimes very painful. There are delays, disappointments, frustrations, and times that feel beyond overwhelming. Find the support that you need from other families that have been through the same and can support you. And if you’re like most parents that are on or have been through this journey, you will at some point dread or become frustrated over the home inspection/home study interviews. There is nothing natural about feeling judged and scrutinized by others to determine whether you are “good enough” to become parents. In the end though, agencies more often than not are on your side and have the same desire as you do – to bring children home to their loving families.

Thanks so much Baby Hopes! I am so excited for you!

Follow her journey into motherhood through adoption on her blog and on Twitter. And don’t forget to come back tomorrow for some great ideas!