Some Ideas…
And lastly, some wonderful ideas that we have been given along the way…
1. When you travel to bring your children home, take photos and videos of our home, pets, and family so that from day one, they begin to see and learn about home and family. Even very young children are extremely perceptive and this will help with the transition.
2. If you are adopting an infant, get a blanket several weeks in advance. Wash it in the detergent you will use for your children’s things, and either hold it close to you when you’re sitting and reading/watching tv/etc, or sleep with it. This will help the blanket to carry your smell, so that your baby begins to get used to you in yet another way. In addition, it will become a precious keepsake.
3. Take gifts or a gift to thank their caretakers. It does not need to be substantial (and is best not to be), but something small and meaningful can do wonders to help them feel your appreciation for what time they cared for your little one, no matter how short. Also, keep track of their caretakers as much as possible so that in the future, if your children decide they want to learn more about their life before adoption, they will have a start for their search. If adopting internationally, this will also help you to keep track of the major places and people we want to visit when we return with our children to their birth country for visits.
4. Hold and love them as much as you can – you cannot spoil or pamper them enough at the start (this is literally advice from the agency). Make up for the lost time to help them bond and attach (a challenge for children who have had so much disruption to a typical bonding and attachment phase). You will undoubtedly be chided to “Put that baby down! S/He is old enough to walk!” However, it is all about your children and helping them to attach and feel loved and secure – not to appease others by doing what they think is best.
5. In addition to a life book, create a bedtime story that tells the story of how our family came together. That way, from an early age, they are associating their adoption story with joy and comfort.
6. If adopting internationally, keep careful track of international birth certificates – you’ll only get one!
7. Begin talking about adoption with them at day one. Use the word adoption so that they begin to associate adoption with joy and pride. This way, when they begin to understand what adoption is and they are referred to by others as “adopted children,” they will know that it is something that is beautiful, joyful, and to be proud of rather than ashamed of.
8. Never share information about your children with others until your children are aware of that information themselves. And at that point, it should be up to them as to whether or not they want it to be shared. All aspects of your children’s adoption and the circumstances surrounding it are theirs and their story. If you share their story with others before your children or without your children’s permission, not only do you run the risk of them learning circumstances surrounding their adoption from others, but you also break their trust.
9. Never lie about the circumstances surrounding their adoption, no matter what they may be or how non-desirable they may seem. Openness about absolutely everything with them is key. The truth eventually comes out. And if they learn that you knew and lied to them or hid information from them, you break their trust. Furthermore, it sends a message that there is something to be ashamed of. While parents often hide some details with the best of intentions, it can do a lot of damage down the road.
10. Help them understand the cultural context surrounding the circumstances of their adoption. Even if they were left in a public place, this does not equate with abandonment in many developing nations. In many nations, leaving a child in certain public places is the surest method of safely delivering them to an orphanage.
11. When confronted with insensitive or even cruel questions, statements, and situations, always respond for the good of your children. Your concern must always be with our children’s sense of self and confidence – not to appease others.
12. For those adopting internationally: Children respond to institutionalization with a range of behavior, from complete passivity (from learning that crying is useless since there is no response) to extreme aggression (biting, hitting, kicking, and pushing to get what is necessary for survival). Be aware of the different coping mechanisms and sensitive to how to best help your children transition to feeling loved and nurtured.
13. Post Adoption Blues or Post Adoption Depression (PAD) are real and surprisingly common with international adoption and adoption of older children since transitions may be difficult following institutionalization. However, there is not a lot of empathy for parents experiencing PAD, since others become perplexed or irritated that parents become depressed after they have pleaded and worked so long and hard for children. Rather than being ashamed or feeling guilty, acknowledge it and seek out support from adoption support groups. All the while, the focus needs to remain on the children. Whether there is attachment or not, the children crave love, consistency, and security. Get support from others so that you can give your children the love that they need and deserve.
14. Be prepared for possible difficulties with bonding and attachment. This may manifest at different stages and to different degrees. A wonderful book is T.he C.onnected Ch.ild by K.aryn P.urvis. The associated website: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ has a wealth of resources to support families who have been brought together through adoption.
15. Above all, enjoy and love one another, and the beautiful gift of becoming a family through adoption!!!
