candid life

   So, when my mother died in July of 2006, I inherited her gardenia bush that I have always loved as a kid. (It’s older than me!) When we moved her into our house, she went into a state of shock and lost a lot of leaves. But that Christmas, she grew a few buds and flowered, and I knew it was my mother sending me good wishes for the holidays (which were always her favorite). Gardenias have a very fragrant scent that has always made me smile because it reminds me of my mom and our home and growing up.

Then, the following year, we moved again and once again, my poor gardenia went into shock. I think she was grieving, just as I was, over losing her mother.

    Over the next two years, little parts of her died and she never grew any buds and she didn’t flower. She was going through her own infertility, needing just a little TLC. She looked wilted and depressed and I had to cut off huge branches that just dried up. I tried to give her sunlight and water which is what I thought she needed, but nothing seemed to bring her back to life. And in my life, my own infertility was growing more intense and I also felt like a little part of me died inside. And even though I had my daughter, I was wilted and depressed over months of trying unsuccessfully and a recent chemical pregnancy from yet another IVF cycle.

   That summer we put her outside in a sunny spot and when we brought her back inside that fall, she had lots of new growth! But I experienced another negative FET and as I withered, she grew stronger and thrived inside for the first time since she was in our house. As I prepared for another upcoming FET that Christmas, she miraculously started to grow buds. And by the time I found out I was pregnant with my twins, two beautifully fragrant flowers were in bloom! And then a few more followed.

   Since then, she has grown even more and now has tons of new shoots! We put her in a brand new spot inside (in our front bay window). And this past holiday, now that my family is complete, she started growing lots and lots of buds!  She now has about 25 buds and has been blooming for the past couple weeks! That is the most she’s ever had! Her infertility is indeed behind her just as mine is today!

   I think what I’m trying to say is that sometimes it can seem like we are experiencing the lowest of the lows, feeling like we could just die inside from loneliness, depression, and heartache. But then, with just a little TLC, a little light and warmth, in our own time, we can all be uplifted. Your infertility will be behind you some day, in one way or another. Have faith and never give up!