advocacy

I’m busting another myth for NIAW! Tomorrow is the last day, so if you haven’t done a post yet, try to get the word out there. There are plenty of myths to bust!

Myth: You’re a Mom, you’re not infertile anymore!

I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but the quantity isn’t nearly as staggering as what I endured and how much we actually squeezed in during that time. I’ll break it down for you. Nearly half of that time was spent trying naturally (without intervention). Many of those months, I did what the uninformed fertile usually does…I estimated when I ovulated according to the traditional ‘normal’ cycles of a female and had sex on certain days. Other months (when I was much more savvy in infertility know-how) I examined my CM and charted my temperature. None of this worked. Every month I got my hopes up (like way, way up) and every month, it all came crashing down while I pathetically strained to see the slightest hint of a second line against the bathroom light and only saw a single line of failure staring back. The other much more critical months can be broken down like this: 6 IVF cycles (3 of those frozen) with a total of 14 embryos transferred. That led to 2 negative results, 2 chemical pregnancies and 2 pregnancies that led to my daughter (who is now 4) and my b/g twins (currently 19 months).

So now I’m a mom. Now what? Do you think I’m not infertile anymore? Do you think my infertility is behind me? Well, yes I am and no, it’s not. Once you’re an infertile, you’re always an infertile. Infertility changes you. It can take you to places that scare the hell out of you and also to places that are better than anything you’ve ever imagined.

When I got pregnant with my daughter after several months of natural, unsuccessful tries and 3 IVF cycles, many of my friends and family were pregnant too. But because of what I went through, I knew my pregnancy was profoundly different. I wanted to shout from the rooftops how happy I was. I wanted to shake the pharmacy guy and explain why I smiled so big while I filled my pre-natal vitamins for legitimate reasons. I wanted to tell everyone how blessed I felt to have a miracle finally growing inside of me. But, I also wanted to scream. I was scared that my body would fail me as it did so many countless times. And I wanted to sleep the days away to get further and further along that much quicker so I could meet my baby girl…the baby I thought I could never have.

Now that I’m finally a mother, I am so very blessed. I know that and I whole-heartedly appreciate that every day. Yes, there are days that aren’t easy. I still remember the utter disappointment looking at all those negative tests and feeling the sheer devastation in getting a negative outcome after all the (literal) blood, sweat and tears were shed through an IVF cycle. And, I still grieve the little lives that ceased to live in the petri dishes and especially in my body. They were apart of my husband and I and had the potential of changing our lives forever. And now that I do have children that have changed my life, at times I do have frustrations that most moms of little ones have. But I remember how much I lost through my infertility journey and it reminds me to look at the bigger picture and live in awe of how much I gained. So even though not every day is filled with endless joy and smiles, every day is filled with love, a love only an infertile parent can empathize with.

As an infertility advocate who dedicates so much time giving support to others still struggling through this horrific disease, I am fully aware of  other women who are suffering, crying themselves to sleep night after night, month after month. It is a painful reality I am immersed in all the time. I chose not to shut off that part of my life, stuff it in a shoe box and forget it ever happened. I believe it all happened for a reason; a reason bigger than myself. This disease effects us all in different ways. And admittingly, there are definitely negative ways I have changed. I can be bitter (inwardly mostly), extremely anxious and easily emotional about anything and nothing at all. But I believe the experience has also helped me to be more patient, more loving, more appreciative of all that life has to offer. Without suffering through it myself, without drying my own tears night after night, without ever feeling a deep ultimate fear of never being completely fulfilled, I would never be that person that loves without boundaries, hopes without doubts, or believes in miracles without reservations. Yes, I am still infertile. I have completed my family, but I can never go back to the person I was before (naive, impatient, frivolous, ungrateful). It’s not who I am anymore. It’s like the quote from Flavia Weedn. Infertility came into my life, left a footprint on my heart and I will never, ever be the same.

To learn more about infertility, go to Resolve’s page: What is Infertility? Find out what you can do for National Infertility Awareness week!

It’s NIAW and I’m busting more myths! This myth in particular hits home for me.

Myth: You’re so young!

When I first started trying to have a baby…I was married almost 2 years at the time. I had just finished my masters and we were both ready. I didn’t wait for a career or our marriage to ‘marinate’ so to speak. There wasn’t a need for that (not that there’s anything wrong with that need when it arises amongst couples or jobs).

So we started to try. And we were eager as most young couples are, thinking it wouldn’t take long, thinking there wouldn’t be anything wrong. Age never came up as a factor because at the time, it wasn’t. I was only 28 and my husband 29.

But as months grew into almost a year, we knew something was up. So when I saw my OB and he saw a urologist and then we both saw an RE after many invasive tests, we were vulnerable.

As we jumped right into our first IVF (per our RE’s advice as the only treatment that would be successful for us), I remember many nurses looking at my chart (my birthday) with surprise, remarking that patients my age were unusual. One actually told me I was the youngest patient they had there (at that time). And I remember one of the doctors told me because I was so young, I should get positive results quickly. (But that’s another busted myth because I endured three tries each time I wanted a child, six total. IVF simply doesn’t work right away for everyone, even those that have age on their side.)

As I struggled through my first cycle, feeling overwhelmed, I remember confiding in a couple of co-workers (revealing only the delicate info that we were ‘having trouble’). They said how I was “so young,” and that I “had so much time…” It was heartbreaking to realize that the majority of couples my age were so fertile and getting pregnant relatively easy. I didn’t know quite where to fit in or where to turn.

When I finally got pregnant and had my daughter at the age of 30, I was happy that I’d be on the young side when I was ready to try again. But on my next IVF cycle to try for baby number two, when I was merely 31, my eggs weren’t cooperating as well. It took a long time to stimulate my follicles and although initially a positive result, sadly, my pregnancy ended prematurely. Two frozen cycles later, I finally got pregnant again (with twins!) after transferring three embryos the day following my 32nd birthday. Now at 34, people stare at me in amazement sometimes when I say I have three children, saying, “but you’re so young.” And I smile, thinking, if only they really knew….

This is a myth that is definitely busted because age doesn’t really play a factor in infertility. Yes, with age, our eggs deteriorate and diminish so most people think that only older women have trouble or need help. And they may see starlets in their 40s doing IVF and having babies, making it look so glamorous and easy. But it really isn’t glamorous and it definitely isn’t easy, even for those of us doing IVF in our 20s and early 30s. Infertility effects every age, every race, every level of economical status. We are everywhere.

Please don’t assume that “we have time,” because time is only a number and it can’t change other important numbers like sperm counts or cycle days. And please don’t tell your friend, family member, or co-worker that “you’re so young” if she mentions she is having trouble. It may just make that woman feel like she is that much less of a woman, trying to do what most women her age are able to achieve effortlessly.

To learn more about how other factors (*besides age*) can lead to infertility, go to Resolve for some information.

To learn more about NIAW, go to National Infertility Awareness Week.