Becoming Empowered When You Feel Powerless
It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month and for this Fertility News Friday, I wanted to link to an article from Fertile Action. It’s an article about the many questions you may have when it comes to cancer and your fertility. If you or someone you know is struggling through cancer and need some options, check this out and pass it along! With knowledge, we have power.
Hello out there and welcome to my corner of the Internet! I am so excited that Fall is here and I’m looking forward to some fall foliage as I drive into Connecticut today for a family wedding. I’ve been writing this blog for nearly 2 years, shortly after my miracle twins were born via IVF. I also have a daughter who was my first IVF miracle and she is now 4 1/2. I recently wrote a memoir about my journey that I am self publishing and it will be out soon. It’s called Ordinary Miracles and I’m very excited about it!
It’s PCOS awareness month and I’m having a PCOS Awareness giveaway you should check out! (Not a lot of people have entered…hint, hint!) And there’s been lots of great information, success stories, and bloggers all related to PCOS this month, so stay around for a while and catch up! 
I wanted to link to another great site today for Fertility News Friday. The site has a wealth of info. Go to: Your Guide to PCOS. Happy Reading!
P.S. I’m still looking for guest bloggers to share their experiences with PCOS. If you’re interested in writing a post for this blog this month, contact me at sfinfertility@optimum.net.
Since it’s PCOS Awareness month, I am putting a different spin on my usual blog love post this week. I decided to feature supportive sites that can help you get through the trials of PCOS.
First up, I’m loving the Laughing Sage Wellness Group. Their mission is to “debunk myths around women’s chronic gynecological issues and to teach women how to have better health and better sex through their (our) nine-step proprietary nutritional and lifestyle protocol.” You can begin your journey by filling out a questionnaire to sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation. Check it out!
Next, I’m loving Fertility Authority and it’s PCOS Awareness Month page. It has a wealth of great articles from Learning More About PCOS to Myths and Facts. Definitely take some time to peruse these and then report back!
And last, I’m loving Sasha Ottey from PCOS Challenge. She has a newsletter that you should look into for a personal story. Plus her site offers expert help and awareness videos. You should definitely check this out as well!
Wow! After six very long days, I finally have power after Hurricane Irene! Woohoo!
OK, since September is National PCOS Awareness Month, I wanted to continue the monthly theme idea and make September everything PCOS! I would LOVE to have some guest bloggers post about experiences with PCOS and tips on what you do and how you ease your stress and any advice you may have for others! If you’re interested, please e-mail me your post (at sfinfertility@optimum.net) and I will publish it with a link back to you (blog, FB page, Twitter, etc.) sometime this month. Also, please include a picture or two and thanks so much in advance!
It’s Success Story Sunday! I don’t have a new story but wanted to link to past success stories that involved PCOS. So, check out Grace’s story, Sara’s story, and Alis’ story, among others who have struggled with PCOS but have been successful here. If you’ve been successful, I would love to feature your story!
Come back soon to hear about an upcoming PCOS awareness giveaway!
So, I have to admit that I’ve been dissappointed about no one linking up for a post about an IRL friend. I suppose it’s either because a) no one had time, b) no one is around/maybe vacationing, c) no one has an IRL friend that really supported them. But, that’s okay because you have a chance to redeem yourselves this week. I am 100% positive that you have made connections with virtual friends online! So, write up a quick post about one or more of them this week and link up on Friday, then you can get more readers and we can share the love!
OK, this week, I don’t have a new success story. (If you’ve been successful, I would love to share your story! Go here for the details!) But I do have a great article I’m linking to that’s written by Ryan Jacobson who had success through adoption. It’s also a great resource to send to your friends as a piece of advice on things they can do for you. It’s just what I want to accomplish in my new book idea~(writing to the fertile world about the trials and tribulations of infertility, sort of a ‘guide’ on what to do and say and what not to do and say). And, with that in mind, I created a survey that I hope you can pass along to your fertile friends and family members. It will help me gather information for the book. Thanks so much! And don’t forget to write up those posts, honoring your virtual friends! By the way, have you taken my poll?
Today, meet Alison! She blogs at A Baby I Pray. Read on for her inspiring story!
1. How long did you struggle through infertility?
My husband had a vasectomy reversal in December 2006 and were told we should be pregnant by January 2007. Needless to say that didn’t happen. Prior to Charlie’s surgery I went through the gamut of testing to make sure there was nothing barring me from conceiving. We started the IVF process in 2007 and had Luke on IVF cycle #5 in April of 2011. I consider 2006 the start of our timeline when we started TTC.
2. What did you go through (as far as treatments, different doctors, adoptions agencies, etc.)?
My husband had two surgeries – reversal and sperm harvest, four fresh IVF cycles, one FET cycle, one chemical pregnancy (from FET). Pregnancy #1 with fresh cycle #2 ended in miscarriage at 10w, D&C #1 July 2009. Pregnancy #2 with fresh cycle #3 ended in miscarriage – belighted ovum discovered at 7w u/s, D&C #2 November 2009. Genetic testing completed with D&C #2 revealed pregnancy #2 was a baby girl with trisomy #18 – “normal” chromosomal abnormality.Charlie & I both went through a battery of genetic testing to ensure there was nothing causing the repeat miscarriages, took some time off from December 2009 -June 2010, started fresh cycle #4 in July 2010. With fresh cycle #2 our clinic was closed and we were transferred to a clinic out of state and almost 2hrs away MID CYCLE!! Ugh!! That was frustrating and scary and infuriating. As it turned out we LOVED our new clinic and could do all the monitoring locally – the only travel we did was for egg retrieval and transfer (and acupuncture pre and post transfer). Our last cycle protocol was different than we had tried in the past and we had to pay 100% out of pocket. We found out I was pregnant on a HPT I just couldn’t wait to take and it came out positive, and did the next day and the next until my beta on August 26th. We found out we had a healthy baby boy just before Christmas and Luke Alan VanDerburgh was born April 27, 2011 at 8:24 p.m. YYYAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
3. How did you handle disappointments through your cycles (natural and otherwise) or months of waiting?
Just as we were starting the IVF process I was unexpectedly laid off from work. School budget cuts eliminated my position as the Director of School Nutrition in the school district I was working for – it was a blessing in disguise because the only thing I needed to focus on was the IVF process. We decided as a couple that I would not look for employment during this time. Also as a couple we did some marriage counselling to help us work through the struggles of the process. I also worked individually with a therapist to help me relieve stress of the process. Through the first cycle I started my blog to help journal the process and try to connect with others going through the same thing – no one in my personal life could really understand infertility let alone the IVF process. My husband and I also worked with our pastor and relied on our faith to deepen our relationship with each other and our higher power – also it helped to let go of the need for control you want to have throughout this process.
4. What were the ‘stress-free’ techniques that you tried that helped you get through the cycle or time (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, support through family, friends & on-line, etc.)?
Oh my goodness, I feel like I have tried everything, lol 
As I stated above, Charlie & I worked together and individually with therapists (a HUGE help), I have struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my 20′s. I wanted more than medication so I took a class (for lack of a better term) on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and Way Through Depression & Anxiety – this was AMAZING and I would recommend it to anyone regardless of history of depression/anxiety. Through that class I learned how to practice meditation and still practice to this day.I went to polarity therapy and worked with an ayurvedic practitioner for health and well-being and herbal support. I sought out an acupuncture practice that worked with infertility patients – this was/is amazing and if you find a practitioner who really studied and understands infertility it is invaluable. I took yoga from an instructor that was also a polarity therapist – focused more on the mind-body-spirit relationships/connection rather than fitness only and I loved every minute of it! I found family was only so helpful as some aren’t, nor really want to be educated about reproduction much less infertility.I found that my blog was a way to keep those family members who really were interested in the process but didn’t “want to intrude” by asking me how things were going or just to keep them involved without calling me daily, my friends were AMAZING and I am so glad I had each of them surrounding me with love through this. I did join ivillage’s IVF group but I found it really ramped up my anxiety – sometimes there is just too much info/opinions out there. I don’t feel the group was negative in any way just that it wasn’t a good fit for me personally. And other IVF world bloggers were an AMAZING support, reading other success stories or other stories/experiences that were mirroring mine were tremendously helpful.
5. If you could give advice for couples going through infertility now, what would it be?
1) Be kind to yourself and your spouse. 2) Therapy is a tremendous tool – use it and open your mind. 3) OPEN YOUR MIND!! What you traditionally thought you’d never try might just be something you enjoy or find helpful to your well being. 4) Faith in a higher power will help you surrender the need to control every treatment, procedure, result, etc. – faith in a higher power through whatever religion or combination of religions you choose! I am a christian by upbringing (and choice) but also feel a very strong connection to Buddhism – I take what I connect with from whatever religion and work it into my life. 5) Ask for help from whomever you feel may be able to help you – financially, emotionally, spiritually – friends, family, community.
Last day of July (and everything adoption)! I will post a winner of my adoption book giveaway later tonight around 9pm EST, so get your entry in!
And here’s Part 2 of the guest post by Baby Hopes (from Chasing our Stork). She had some amazing ideas that are great to keep in mind when going through the adoption process:
Some Ideas…
And lastly, some wonderful ideas that we have been given along the way…
1. When you travel to bring your children home, take photos and videos of our home, pets, and family so that from day one, they begin to see and learn about home and family. Even very young children are extremely perceptive and this will help with the transition.2. If you are adopting an infant, get a blanket several weeks in advance. Wash it in the detergent you will use for your children’s things, and either hold it close to you when you’re sitting and reading/watching tv/etc, or sleep with it. This will help the blanket to carry your smell, so that your baby begins to get used to you in yet another way. In addition, it will become a precious keepsake.
3. Take gifts or a gift to thank their caretakers. It does not need to be substantial (and is best not to be), but something small and meaningful can do wonders to help them feel your appreciation for what time they cared for your little one, no matter how short. Also, keep track of their caretakers as much as possible so that in the future, if your children decide they want to learn more about their life before adoption, they will have a start for their search. If adopting internationally, this will also help you to keep track of the major places and people we want to visit when we return with our children to their birth country for visits.
4. Hold and love them as much as you can – you cannot spoil or pamper them enough at the start (this is literally advice from the agency). Make up for the lost time to help them bond and attach (a challenge for children who have had so much disruption to a typical bonding and attachment phase). You will undoubtedly be chided to “Put that baby down! S/He is old enough to walk!” However, it is all about your children and helping them to attach and feel loved and secure – not to appease others by doing what they think is best.
5. In addition to a life book, create a bedtime story that tells the story of how our family came together. That way, from an early age, they are associating their adoption story with joy and comfort.
6. If adopting internationally, keep careful track of international birth certificates – you’ll only get one!
7. Begin talking about adoption with them at day one. Use the word adoption so that they begin to associate adoption with joy and pride. This way, when they begin to understand what adoption is and they are referred to by others as “adopted children,” they will know that it is something that is beautiful, joyful, and to be proud of rather than ashamed of.
8. Never share information about your children with others until your children are aware of that information themselves. And at that point, it should be up to them as to whether or not they want it to be shared. All aspects of your children’s adoption and the circumstances surrounding it are theirs and their story. If you share their story with others before your children or without your children’s permission, not only do you run the risk of them learning circumstances surrounding their adoption from others, but you also break their trust.
9. Never lie about the circumstances surrounding their adoption, no matter what they may be or how non-desirable they may seem. Openness about absolutely everything with them is key. The truth eventually comes out. And if they learn that you knew and lied to them or hid information from them, you break their trust. Furthermore, it sends a message that there is something to be ashamed of. While parents often hide some details with the best of intentions, it can do a lot of damage down the road.
10. Help them understand the cultural context surrounding the circumstances of their adoption. Even if they were left in a public place, this does not equate with abandonment in many developing nations. In many nations, leaving a child in certain public places is the surest method of safely delivering them to an orphanage.
11. When confronted with insensitive or even cruel questions, statements, and situations, always respond for the good of your children. Your concern must always be with our children’s sense of self and confidence – not to appease others.
12. For those adopting internationally: Children respond to institutionalization with a range of behavior, from complete passivity (from learning that crying is useless since there is no response) to extreme aggression (biting, hitting, kicking, and pushing to get what is necessary for survival). Be aware of the different coping mechanisms and sensitive to how to best help your children transition to feeling loved and nurtured.
13. Post Adoption Blues or Post Adoption Depression (PAD) are real and surprisingly common with international adoption and adoption of older children since transitions may be difficult following institutionalization. However, there is not a lot of empathy for parents experiencing PAD, since others become perplexed or irritated that parents become depressed after they have pleaded and worked so long and hard for children. Rather than being ashamed or feeling guilty, acknowledge it and seek out support from adoption support groups. All the while, the focus needs to remain on the children. Whether there is attachment or not, the children crave love, consistency, and security. Get support from others so that you can give your children the love that they need and deserve.
14. Be prepared for possible difficulties with bonding and attachment. This may manifest at different stages and to different degrees. A wonderful book is T.he C.onnected Ch.ild by K.aryn P.urvis. The associated website: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ has a wealth of resources to support families who have been brought together through adoption.15. Above all, enjoy and love one another, and the beautiful gift of becoming a family through adoption!!!
Thanks again Baby Hopes! Please bookmark this post as a helpful guide! And to follow her journey into motherhood and for more helpful info, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter!
As July is ending this weekend, I am thrilled to give you this guest post today from Baby Hopes who blogs over at Chasing Our Stork! In this post she shares her adoption journey and some lessons learned. Tomorrow, I will post a Part 2 where she lists other important ideas that are so valuable in the adoption process. Bookmark these posts for future references! I think they will be incredibly helpful!
Mech and I began our adoption journey together nearly nine years ago. In truth, our individual journeys began much sooner, as we both had always felt drawn to international adoption. For me personally, I knew from the age of 13 that due to the early onset of Hashimoto’s, I would struggle with infertility. In truth, while having Hashimoto’s (especially a rare form that was under-treated or untreated altogether at times) is a less than desirable diagnosis, the realization that having children through pregnancy may be impossible was not altogether devastating. Nor was it for Mech. Before he proposed (just five months after dating!), I shared with him that marrying me meant taking the chance of never having biological children. He did not even hesitate in dismissing my fear over whether he would want to move forward in our relationship. Like me, he sees family as the blessing of bringing parents and children together… the means of doing so are completely irrelevant.
To us, bringing home children through international adoption is a blessing and a gift. There are so many amazing children in this world deserving of and in need of stable, loving homes. And parents who are in the process of adopting or have adopted will undoubtedly say that they are the ones that are blessed – that their children are the greatest gift of their lives and have been from the start of the journey. That is certainly true for us. Though our son and daughter are not yet in our arms, they are always on our hearts and they fill us with such love, pride, and joy. Each step that we make in our journey, each day that brings us closer is one that we count as a blessing.
One thing we have always felt (and that has been strongly reinforced by our Hague training and educational courses through our adoption agency) is that adoption is about coming together as a family through a unique, beautiful, and amazing way. There are as many wonderful and exciting (and yes, stressful) aspects about adoption as there are about pregnancy and giving birth. These two avenues through which families are brought together should be honored for their unique aspects. At the same time, they should be viewed as equally amazing ways of reaching the same goal: to become a family. Adoption is not about “rescuing” children. After all, they are your children. And adopted children are no more “lucky” than children brought home through pregnancy. We subscribe fully to the principles of caring for widows and orphans, and “the least of these.” But we feel that once you are on the journey of adoption, they cease to be orphans… they are your children. And, thus the call becomes about supporting and caring for other orphans. Adopting doesn’t mean you’ve “done your duty” to care for those in need. It means that you’ve been given the gift and blessing of a child, and that there are so many more that also need and deserve their forever families that they have been designed for, but that need your support until they are united with them.
For us, adoption is about finding our way to our children, as we would in any other way. We had hoped that if we had children through pregnancy, they would come home first. That way, it would be even one more demonstration that our children brought home through adoption equally a part of Plan A for our family as children brought home through pregnancy. After numerous failed treatments, we decided we were through waiting to bring our children home. We are not disappointed in the least. In the end, our children’s sense of belonging (each and every one of them) comes down to the words we say to them and the love we share… not the order in which they came home to us.
For now, we are nearing the end stages of our home study. We have also nearly completed our dossier, as we are striving to bring our son and daughter as home as soon as we possibly can. An optimistic timeline is to have our home study completed by the end of September, our referral and placement by the end of the year, and our son and daughter home by May of 2012. Each and every day is a challenge… waiting for them, wanting them desperately, and entrusting them to the care of others half a world away. It is by far the most difficult yet most amazing experience of my life… of our lives. When it becomes overwhelming, we find comfort in imagining the day they will finally be in our arms, and doing what we can to make our home the best place we can for them to come home to. We know, without question, that the day we at last hold them in our arms will be the best of our lives to date… and that everything it has taken to get there will be more than worth it.
Lessons Learned:
These are a few things we know now that we wish he had known when we first began the process…
Thanks so much Baby Hopes! I am so excited for you!
Follow her journey into motherhood through adoption on her blog and on Twitter. And don’t forget to come back tomorrow for some great ideas!
Hello! I am so happy to have a new success story and this one is adoption related! If you or someone you know has been successful (through adoption, infertility treatment, surrogate, etc.) go to this post for the info! I am also working on a success story book so let me know if you’d like to share it there as well. Thanks so much in advance! You’ll be an inspiration to so many!
Meet Kelli! She blogs at Parenting By Adoption. Read on for her inspiring story.
1. How long did you struggle through infertility?
I had issues with ovarian cysts for years before marrying my husband but I was told the year before we married after a surgery for yet another ovarian cyst that all looked great and I was a go for pregnancy. I even took the pill up to the day of my wedding not wanting to be pregnant when I walked down the aisle. Little did I know then that was not going to be an issue, my two later pregnancies never made it past the first trimester.
2. What did you go through (as far as treatments, different doctors, adoptions agencies, etc.)?
Six months after Andy and I said I do and starting trying to conceive, after some initial tests -we were thrust straight into IVF treatment. The first cycle I made an outstanding 13 eggs! For a 39 year old this was stellar news and we were all very positive that I would be having a happy and positive ending to that cycle. Well I did get pregnant but lost the pregnancy right after they said I could start relaxing at about 9 weeks gestation.
At this point they told me I had something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which is a multi-system disorder (quite common in women) that causes issues with insulin resistance, hormone imbalances, infertility and explained the irregular cycles I had battled all my life. At my insistence I was given medication to help regulate my insulin so I did not develop full blown diabetes at some later date.
Cycles 2, 3 and 4 were all negative despite my continuing good egg production. At this point we decided to use donor eggs for cycle 5 wondering at this point if my aging eggs were the problem. We chose a donor (a young 21 year old woman) and started synchronizing our cycles for an IVF cycle, she did great and we were all again positive this was going to be it. Heartbroken after the horrid two week wait after embryo transfer that I was again not pregnant.
At this point I insisted they do more testing on my husband and low and behold he had some DNA level mutation that would cause issues with embryo development. I was upset at the doctors after five IVF cycles that they had assumed it was me that was the obstacle to a positive pregnancy outcome. In a last ditch effort, we did one frozen donor egg cycle and transferred in an outrageous 9 embryos knowing most would not implant. Again, no pregnancy.
At this point I was done being a science experiment and so weary from doing all I could to become a mother. I was more than ready to pursue adoption as in my heart I knew it was motherhood I was really deeply wanting and I was able to let go of the dreams about experiencing pregnancy. We signed up with a local adoption agency and did the legally mandated paperwork called a home study to be ready to be presented to potential birth moms.
After having our written profile (which is like a printed flyer withphotos and information about us) shown to about 80 birthmom’s, Ariel’s birthmom T saw it and quickly knew we were the ones she wanted to parent the baby she was carrying. As it turns out, she and I look a lot alike (bothhave blond hair and green eyes) so our daughter Ariel Faith looks more like me than if I had carried her. That was not in our wish list for a child but it just worked out that way.
We have an open adoption in that we got to know Ariel’s birth mom during her pregnancy, I went to doctor’s visits when I could and we were there for the ultrasound to see that Ariel was indeed a girl. Ariel was due to be born on July 30th but she had other plans for us. We had everything set up in T’s home town at the hospital so that they all knew of her plans to place for adoption. Well T was in another city visiting friends for a last visit before she gave birth and she went into labor at about 12:30 AM on July 27th. She called us and I quickly called the hospital near where she was staying and faxed birth plans and documents from the adoption agency so that T would be taken care of as we had planned.
Andy and I quickly threw clothes into bags and drove the 2 hours to the hospital arriving just in time for Ariel to be brought to us all snug in her onsie and little hat. It was truly a life changing moment for me. I had waited 45 years of my life, 6 years of my marriage and so much sadness before that moment to finally become a mom. I just held her for hours looking into her beautiful face and relishing that my lifelong dream of motherhood was finally here. Ariel is now 7 and I still am so blessed to be her Mom, she is truly my heart walking around outside of me. 7 years later we continue to have an open adoption, being friends on Facebook withAriel’s birth mom and face to face visit about once a year with Ariel’s biological grandma and her parents. We all just were open to being open and the relationships have developed naturally and with love.
3. How did you handle disappointments through your cycles (natural and otherwise) or months of waiting?
The losses were heartbreaking and I had to lean very hard on my husband to get through them. There were days I did not know if I could get out of bed but I did and just tried to be gentle with myself and worked hard to maintain hope and faith that we would one day achieve our dreams of being parents.
4. What were the ‘stress-free’ techniques that you tried that helped you get through the cycle or time (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, support through family, friends & on-line, etc.)?
During the infertility treatments stress management was essential – I exercised, did acupuncture, Yoga, mediation, did counseling when I felt it necessary to handle the grief and loss of my two pregnancies. I developed a core group of people to support me and my spiritual community at my church truly held my hands through the journey.
5. If you could give advice for couples going through infertility now, what would it be?
After my long and bumpy journey to motherhood – my advise to those still in the trenches of infertility, I highly recommend taking breaks periodically. Give yourselves a chance to recharge and reconnect and have fun and joy in your lives. Make decisions that you feel comfortable with long term as far as your health is concerned, looking back if I had not been so caught up emotionally in the IVF process, I would not have done so many cycles of IVF, that is a lot of synthetic hormones that we pumped into my body. Fortunately 9 years later with annual screening I do not have any lasting effects. Take time to make decisions as you move along, breath and allow both your brain and your gut instincts to weigh in.
And finally if you are not succeeding with fertility treatments know that parenting by adoption is a very wonderful option. I love my daughter so deeply and probably more than if I had carried her as I know the huge sacrifice her birth mom T had to make in placing her with us. I now work as an adoption coach helping other couples and single women get through the adoption process with their own personal cheerleader and informed coach by their side. It is very rewarding to help others become as happy as I am!
Thanks so much Kelli! Follow her journey as a mom and her wonderful work that is truly inspirational on her blog!
So I wanted to link to a wonderful website called Creating a Family and you can find a wealth of information there on infertility and adoption. They have radio shows, webinars, videos and a blog written by Dawn Davenport (@dawndavenport1). Today, I wanted to link to two different articles that give you plenty of links for some of the ins and outs of the adoption process. Go there and look around the site. It may just answer a ton of adoption questions you may have! Happy Friday!
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