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Experiences

Winning the War

I’m recycling this post from last year! Thank you to all who have served!  

Today, on Veteran’s Day, I’m not only reminded of all those that have fought in a war to help others, I’m also thinking of all those that are battling infertility around the world.

   Throughout my struggle, there were many times I felt like I was on the front lines, arming myself with ammunition (injections) and intelligence (as much information as possible) that would help me get through. And often times, even with the best soldiers and generals on my side using the best war tactics they knew how,  I lost the battle. Some of those battles were harder to get through, grieve over and move on from than others. And, I have the battle wounds to prove it. You may never be able to see them, but they are there. Infertility has wounded my heart and left scars on my soul.

  But, even with all the losses, ultimately, I have won the war! Infertility made me feel broken but it never truly broke my spirit and I have come out the other side victorious!

  And you can too.

  Whether you achieve success through a miracle pregnancy, an infertility treatment or surrogacy, adoption or ultimately choosing to be child free, you can beat infertility and the war it can wage on your body and mind. This Veteran’s Day while you remember those that fought for their lives to help others, remember all that you are doing to fight for the lives of your future children. It will never go in vain.

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My video response!

   Do you remember last week when I mentioned the incredible campaign that Redbook and Resolve were hosting? (You can read The Truth About Trying post to learn more about it!) Well they would like you to post a video to share your truth about trying and tell everyone what you wish you had known. So after many takes, (finding quiet time in my house with three kids 4 and under isn’t easy!) and trying to figure out how to best upload my video, I finally got one I thought was response worthy and uploaded it! I stumble a bit through it but I thought this one sounded the most natural. Anyway, here it is…


Now I hope you will share your own! It really can be so liberating to open up and share your thoughts. So speak up! ;-)

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Guest Blogger: What PCOS Has Done For Me

  This post is written by a guest blogger April from Where Do We Go From Here? Thank you so much April for sharing this awesome post with us! ;-)
 
Being diagnosed with PCOS was one thing that completely undermined just about everything I’d ever been taught or believed. Who wasn’t been told over and over as a child that they could be whatever they wanted to be when they grew up? When you hear the same thing often enough, you start to believe it. When you keep hearing it, it only reinforces that belief. What do you do when someone pulls that rug out from under you?
The doctor who initially made my diagnosis didn’t really seem to be interested in explaining anything further to me. It was ‘yup, PCOS, take your birth control until you want a baby.’ It wasn’t until I got home and started reading everything I could find on the Internet that my heart really started sinking. But really, it all made sense. Things I never would have connected were suddenly so obviously related. Things I’d never even worried about before were booted to the forefront of my mind.
But none of those things were the real problem. All I’d ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother.  This doctor, with his insultingly superior assumption that I couldn’t spell ‘polycystic ovarian syndrome,’ had so easily dismissed half of my life’s goals.
 I went through a period of time where I had no hope for anything anymore. I hated the fact that I took birth control pills for eleven years before finding someone I was ready to have children with. I hated the fact that I never wondered why I never had pregnancy scares like everyone else. I hated myself for never suspecting that anything was wrong. I hated that almost all of my friends already had kids. I hated that I might be sentencing my husband to be childless without even asking him. Most of all, I hated what my body had done to me. I hated how it had let me down.

It’s been over five years since I saw that doctor. I’ve lost count of how many others I’ve seen since then. But the biggest difference hasn’t come from them. It’s come from me, and how my outlook has changed. I have my good days and my worse days, like anyone else, but I know that the worse days won’t break me. I haven’t reached the bottom of this pit yet, but I’ve imagined what it looks like, and it isn’t as bad as it could be. I know that PCOS and infertility are not the worst things that can happen, at least to me. I haven’t given up. I’ve really only just gotten started trying all the options that I’m open to trying. No matter what happens, I have learned that I am the strong person that people have told me I am. So not everything I’ve always been told has turned out to be a lie. Some of it has turned out to be more true than I would ever have believed. And that’s pretty encouraging.

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Today in Retrospect

This is a post I wrote last year with a few adaptations…

Three years ago today, I just had an FET the day before and was quite vulnerable since we recently had an unexpected chemical pregnancy from a fresh IVF.  But I was also hopeful because we made the drastic decision to put 3 embryos back in (as opposed to putting the usual 2 back in on the past 4 cycles) and we were confident at least one would stick and we’d give our daughter (our first IVF miracle) a sibling.  Eleven days later, we got the devastating news that none of our embryos made it. That cycle was negative as all other cycles had been that year. More down than I had ever been through my infertility, I decided to take a much needed break…all the while wondering if I would ever be a mom to more than one child….

  Two years ago I was in the hospital at this time, overwhelmed with emotion from the birth of my twins and juggling the very precarious situation of breast feeding these tiny newborns! My heart grew so much bigger and I haven’t been the same since.  I have never felt such a leap of love ever in my life as I had that day. My miracle twins were born (via an FET that followed the above mentioned 3 month break) and they completed my family. I never knew life could be so unexpected, so incredibly fulfilling. I knew I was truly blessed.

   This year, I’m about to put my 3 miracles down to bed…and as they snuggle with stuffies and dream about tomorrow, I am amazed at how much they’ve all grown. My twins turned 2 years old today and they still amaze me everyday. I still feel truly blessed. And mostly I am fully aware that had it not been for my infertility, I would not be the person I am today, a mommy of 3, or a writer of this blog…which takes me to the reason for this post…

  Sometimes you never know where a dream can take you, or how much can happen in a year, or what direction your life will go. Hold on to the belief that you will find fulfillment in one way or another. Keep hope alive, believe in miracles and someday, you will wake up to a reality that may even turn out better than your dreams.

Happy Birthday Mia and Logan!
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PCOS Success & Remembering 9/11

  I was just reading over at Keiko’s blog and she had a post I wanted to link to for Success Story Sunday. Keiko is doing a weekly “Voices of PCOS” and her first story last week was Kristin’s who blogs at Once a Mother. In her story, she details her battle with PCOS and how she adopted a low Glycemic diet (per the advice of her RE) to help in her IVF cycle. It worked and she now has adorable 6 month old twins! Check out her story to get many helpful tips (that I think I am going to look into as well) and her blog to see the cutest babies! Thanks Keiko for sharing these stories! And congratulations Kristin! ;-)

***

  Today, of course, as many of you are remembering in your own way, is a day we will never forget. We probably all remember where we were, what we were doing and how much this day, 10 years ago, changed our lives forever.

 I had just moved to Colorado and children were a blip in my future dreams as I was months away from even getting engaged. I was trying to gain some independence and job experience half way across the country but I was home sick and longing to be back in NY. When September 11th unfolded, I felt lost and afraid. I wanted to cling to my family, my friends and my future hubby but they were so far away. I didn’t know what the world would be like, how many more attacks would take place, or how much war would be in our future and that unknown was a scary place to think about when moving forward with planning a wedding and eventually children. But, I planned, moved on, and felt whole again. I felt proud to be an American and especially a New Yorker.

  Now, 10 years later, back in New York in my second home with my three children nestled in bed and my boxer snoring next to me, we’re like a typical American family complete with a white picket fence in the suburbs. Today, we remembered that day and what was lost but especially what we gained as a country. My kids are too young to understand, but some day, they will remember with us and share the stories with their own children. We will never forget.

   I’m closing with a picture I took of my hubby (future fiance at the time) as we crossed into NJ on our cross country trip to move me out west. It was taken in August of 2001 with such innocence. I was just trying to get one last shot of the beloved city. I developed my pictures a few days after September 11th and this was the first picture on top of my pile.  It stopped me in my tracks and I remember gasping in disbelief. This is a very precious picture for us today.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those who lost loved ones 10 years ago today. They are all heroes.

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Power with Friends!

  So as many of you are aware, Hurricane Irene ravaged through much of the east coast of the US and hit Long Island yesterday. It left me this little present in my driveway and I am now without power.

But I wanted to send a shout out to all my friends who were in the path of Irene and hope that you are safe and sound. Sometimes it takes a crazy storm to help you appreciate life and all that you have.

Thanks to all my friends out here in computer land, blogging world and twitterville! I also wanted to say how much I appreciate all of you who took my poll, shared my survey with family and friends, and linked up and shared posts about friends in real life, virtual friends and furry friends! I may be without power, but I am empowered by all of you who have supported me and continue to support all in the ALI community!  ;-)

  That’ll probably be all the blogging I can do for Friends Month

I’ll write more when I can!

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Toby

  If you’re here from ICLW, welcome! It’s Friends Month and this week, we’re talking about our furry friends. Please write up your posts to link up! Here’s mine:

When I was first unsuccessful in the TTC area, we got our puppy Toby. He’s a boxer with lots of energy. As a puppy, he was a handful and oh so cute. So, there was of course, a lot of attention on him which was a pleasant distraction for me. When I did get pregnant finally, Toby was very protective. He would sleep right next to my side of the bed or couch and became a little more weary of strangers. And then, like the dog we always wanted for our children, when my daughter was born, he was gentle and loving. As she got older and more rambunctious, he was tolerant and forgiving and he still is today even when my twins crawl all over him! Despite his grossly smelling farts (seriously he can clear a room) and his crazy loud barks when he needs to go out and his obsession with chewing anything paper related, he really is a great dog! I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves!

     

The first morning my daughter was home.

Write up your posts and get ready to link up! 
I will put up the list later so check back or leave the link in a comment here and I’ll link it for you!! ;-)
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It’s Friday Friend Link Up (IRL friends)

 

OK! I hope many of you are ready to link up your posts about some of the wonderful friends you have in real life who have supported you through your infertility journey! I can’t wait to read them!

Next week (August 19th) we will link up posts about our virtual friends (so pick one or as many as you want to feature) and in 2 weeks (August 26th), we’ll pay homage to our furry friends! Ok, time to link up!

Please make sure to link to the actual post and not just your blog’s home page! ;-)



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To Lie or not to Lie? That is the question!

  I hope you’re all getting your IRL friend post ready to link up to on Friday. And if you’re not sure what I’m talking about go here! ;-)

 In the mean time, I wanted to take a little poll about the friends you have in real life. I know that many of you are very private people. And you probably dish so much more information online in a virtual world where you feel understood. But there are also many of you that share your struggles with your real friends. I was quite open with my friends about my infertility because I didn’t want to hide anything. To be honest though,  it did cause a lot of anxiety and hurt feelings because they just didn’t relate and  insensitive things were said. (Here’s a post I wrote about that called: Surrounded by Ignorance.) But I wonder if I would have had more anxiety trying to lie and not let anyone in to what was really going on.

So, here’s the poll! My very first one on this blog! :-)

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Friends: Get By With a Little Help

  This is a post I wrote from a year and a half ago that I thought was appropriate to repost at this time.

Friends…they can be quite impartial when it comes to a listening ear and unsolicited advice.  They won’t ask for every detail and you certainly don’t have to offer up the more personal symptoms you may be experiencing (you know the ones that your mom or sister might ask about).

    But they can also be caddy. So, be careful who you share your intimate secrets with and make sure it doesn’t spread like wild fire among the gossip train. Keep a select few in the know. The rest can get the vague response that you leave for your general acquaintances.

   Unfortunately though, the “relating issue” that I’ve written about  in regards to family also applies here. Even if you try to explain your frustrations…most just don’t get it, especially if they had it quite easy in the baby making department. Save yourself the hurt and discuss shoes, reality TV or the next big outing with them instead.

    Besides sharing info, a friend can also be a great “time-out” buddy from infertility. They can easily take your mind off the every day worries with a coffee break, shopping extravaganza,  mani-pedi, or girl’s night out. Even if the break is short-lived, it is a great opportunity for a recharge.  

How have your friends supported you lately? Please leave a comment to discuss!

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