OK, so I was hesitant about posting this but just felt like getting it out there…
Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of pregnant woman around, at work, at the store, at parties, etc. And I recently overheard that one of my co-workers is newly pregnant.
And my most immediate thought is, I wonder if they had it easy…
Part of me is glad that I’ve decided to move past that part of my life. I have 3 children 3 and under and that is more than enough to handle at the moment! I love my children dearly and I feel that I was blessed with more than I ever thought I would have, so I am grateful, really.
But the other part of me cringes just a little with a painful pang of reality. If it weren’t for my infertility, I would perhaps try to have another child some day in the future if I had the means. To be able to feel that miracle of life inside, to be able to nurture another human being into this world, it is a priceless gift. But I will be 34 in a couple months and I know that I can’t physically or mentally go through another cycle (or pregnancy for that matter) with 3 little ones. My husband and I chose to donate our remaining embryos for just this reason and of course, because of the financial side of things as well.
And well, I’m sure many can relate to this pain, most likely on a much more intense level like I did at one time in my life. Maybe you’ve never been pregnant before. Maybe you have and it was taken from you all too quickly. Maybe you’ll think that I’m crazy to have these feelings at all when I’ve been blessed with so much. But even though I’ve been successful, my infertility has not escaped me. It’s still there and it’s still raw and at times it still has the power to stop me in my tracks…
….like when I catch a glimpse of a pregnant belly.
I’ve noticed A LOT of pregnant women lately & wonder if there’s a baby boom or if I’m just more aware now that I am pregnant. My next thought is always, “I wonder what they went through to pregnant.” I also wonder, if they didn’t stuggle to conceive, if they realize how grateful they should be…that may sound cold but I just wonder…
I can understand this. Even though I am so blessed to be pregnant after 2 IVF’s I still get a pang of jealousy when I hear someone is pregnant and it came easily. It doesn’t hurt when I know that they struggled. And then I feel bad that it’s easier for me to be happy for them when I know what they went through. But it’s just how I feel.
Wow, that’s beautifully written!! I guess its just one of those things that will never leave you! Once you have been through it, it stays with you, like a ghost or a shadow.