I’m back from vacation and it’s Success Story Sunday! Meet Jess! She blogs at Life in the White House. Read her inspiring story below!
1. How long did you struggle through infertility?
We started TTC at the beginning of 2006, a few months after we were married. In October 2006, I called Planned Parenthood (who was my primary GYN) and asked them what they thought. We had been TTC 8 months and nothing; they’re response was “It can sometimes take a year to get pregnant. You’re young; keep trying.” I was upset. I felt that my concerns had been dismissed.
My in laws struggled with TTC due to low sperm count, so we had an idea that we may have to deal with that.
We TTC’d for a total for 3 years before we got our BFP.
2. What did you go through (as far as treatments, different doctors, adoptions agencies, etc.)?
It was almost 2 years before my husband went to a urologist and had an SA (we knew I was ovulating from temping/charting). The original SA came back as having immature sperm. After that long of reading the infertility boards and other TTC things, I had never heard of immature sperm.
We were referred to CNY Fertility in Latham, NY, by my husband’s urologist: Our first appt was on Feb 4, 2008. We walked out of their prepared to do IVF at the beginning of my next cycle. They had done a ton of blood work and U/S on me and an SA on my husband. 20 minutes after leaving my husband’s phone rang…we were sitting in a restaurant celebrating the beginning of our road to FINALLY being parents! The SA at the fertility clinic showed ZERO SPERM. They suggested a testicular biopsy before proceeding to IVF/ICSI.
April 25th DH had the testicular biopsy and the urologist found blockages in both vas deferens….he believed that this was the cause of the infertility and that they would find sperm. All of my husband’s blood-work etc came back normal. The doctor had mentioned several times to us, “Why not just use donor sperm? What’s so great about your genes?” (He was a jokester and we knew he was just trying to make a difficult situation easier – My husband responded to that well).
The following week we called the urologist for results and the nurse kept saying the doctor would be calling. He called…on a Saturday morning at 8am (I already knew it couldn’t be good); we weren’t even out of bed yet. The biopsy showed ZERO sperm. We asked him if there was anything that could be done: Medications, tests, etc. No, nothing. We were shocked.
A few days later it hit me…hard. I was driving home from work and became hysterical…I pulled over on the side of the road and just sobbed for 20 minutes. My one prayer through the previous 2 years was that no matter what, no matter how many shots, how much money, we would have at least ONE bio child together….and that wasn’t to be.
It hit my husband hard too. For the past two years we had been dealing with his back (2 ruptured discs and surgery for that) and his being out of work. He was not in a good place. Take a man that’s already beaten down (unable to move without pain, unable to work) and then tell him he can’t have children. He wanted me to leave him…of course I didn’t. Whether he contemplated suicide, I don’t know, but he was that low.
We were not at all open to the idea of donor sperm at that point. We were looking into adoption more seriously (we had always planned on adopting at some point), but were meeting a thousand road blocks to that because of where we live (the middle of nowhere), most agencies would not deal with us. We realized that if we wanted to be parents any time soon we would have to seriously consider donor sperm.
By the end of that summer (2008) we had chosen a sperm donor and were getting ready to begin our first cycle. I had a cyst, so we had to wait through that. Our first cycle was in September 2008 and that didn’t work. The cyst was still there and not responding to birth control. We decided that surgery was the only way to deal with it.
On December 9thI had a cystectomy of a large cyst, during the surgery the doctor also cleared my tubes and lasered any endo or other potential impediments to pregnancy. At the end of the month we started our 2nd (failed) DIUI cycle. We had one vial left from our initial purchase of donor sperm.
We already had figured that the donor was not going to work, and it had also been 8 months since our diagnosis and we now felt comfortable with doing an ID consent donor (meaning any child would be able to contact the donor at 18). We decided to just use up this one vial. Well that cycle worked (3rd times the charm and all that).
Each cycle we did Clomid with Ovidrel trigger. We knew how much we were spending each month and I wanted to know we were giving each time the very best opportunity for success.
Our RE was great with listening to me about my cycles. I believe the first two failed because of timing. I was told to trigger 12 hours prior to IUI. Thawed sperm only live 12-24 hours max; ovulation occurs 24-36 hours AFTER triggering. The math just didn’t work out to me…and I mentioned it to our doctor and he was all for changing things up.
That last cycle I triggered 24 hours prior to IUI and it worked.
3. How did you handle disappointments through your cycles (natural and otherwise) or months of waiting?
Prayer. That was seriously the only thing that helped us with any of this. We just kept praying. While we don’t understand why we were “chosen” to go through this hell, why my husband had to be dealt the blow of not only injuring his back, not being able to work, AND also not being able to have children, we’ve accepted it (more or less). Our entire time I just kept saying that none of this was in our hands; that it was entirely up to Him.
That certainly wasn’t and still isn’t easy. I have days in which I struggle with the whole thing, why we had to deal with not only infertility, but now someday explain to our kids HOW they were conceived. For other couples who have gone through IF, they don’t have to worry about or explain genetics, even adoptive parents have it out there in the open, for us there is an entirely addition set of issues. Who is this information shared with? How will this affect our children as they grow up? I figure God led us down this path, allowed the cycle to work with the anonymous donor, He’s in charge.
4. What were the ‘stress-free’ techniques that you tried that helped you get through the cycle or time (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, support through family, friends & on-line, etc.)
I don’t know how stress-free we managed to get through this, but there just came a point when we had to let go. We remained advocates and proactive about our diagnosis, but we knew one way or another we were going to be parents…we were not going to give up on that…regardless of the costs (emotionally, mentally, physically and financially).
The other way we dealt with the stress was through hobbies. My husband took up his home brewing much more seriously and I began quilting. It gave us both an outlet and something to do, other than focusing on our infertility. Our hobbies helped us a lot.
Also I found a great group of girls online (through the bump.com and blogging). It really helped me when 1 girl online offered to match people of the same age/issues/etc with another person. I “met” one of my really great friends through there and she has been an amazing support.
We both were handed diagnosis of potential azoo around the same time and walked the entire path from initial infertility diagnosis to contemplating donor sperm to now parenting babies conceived via donor sperm.
5. If you could give advice for couples going through infertility now, what would it be?
Decide how far you’re willing to go, but don’t be surprised when it changes. In the beginning, after 1 ½ years we had said we wouldn’t go through IVF, that we’d just adopt. When it came to that point we so desperately wanted to be parents that we were willing to sink ourselves in debt to afford IVF. If you had asked me four years ago, when we started TTC, would I ever have considered donor sperm or eggs if they were necessary I would have told you absolutely not.
The journey changes you, some things for the better, and some things are just changes, not better or worse. I wouldn’t give my daughter up for the world…she wouldn’t be who she is if we hadn’t used that particular donor.
Do I still mourn the fact that my husband and I won’t have children who are both of ours’ biologically? Absolutely. I probably will always miss that chance for us, but it doesn’t mean I love or appreciate our daughter any less. My husband feels the same way. It helps him to view it as adoption and thankfully we were both open to that before we were even married.
There does come a point throughout diagnosis and treatment, when each person has to decide how far are they willing to go. We knew, beyond a doubt, that we did not want to live child free/less….it was NOT an option for us. With that decision came acceptance of whatever we had to do to be parents.
Right now our daughter is 9 months old and we’re hoping to TTC our 2nd in September.
Thanks so much Jess! We wish you all the best in trying for baby #2! Check out her blog to follow her journey!
