So, whether it’s ignorance, misinformation, assumptions, prior knowledge about a past friend’s successes, or just plain lack of education about the infertile world…some of the following comments can crawl into our soul and tear apart the very thin threads that are holding us together any moment out of any given day. And whether we roll our eyes, make a nasty, cynical remark, smile and nod while screaming inside or run to the bathroom to sob in a stall, they all sting.
(Please feel free to add your own comments and your responses or opinions about any of these)… I know this blog is a positive space but sometimes you have to vent and let it all out! That’s a stress reliever too! 
Here are some things that I have heard when you’re getting unsolicited advice about the actual trying…usually all the following are followed with “It’ll happen [one day].” What’s in italics are typical thoughts or perhaps even responses my husband or I have had.
- Just Relax! (Oh…THAT’S what I was doing wrong!)
- When the time is right… (Why? Is this a bad time?)
- Don’t think about it so much. (So is this where I stick my head in the sand?)
- Don’t try so hard. (This isn’t high school! We can’t use reverse psychology here!)
- You have time. (Do I? I didn’t know you had my life planned out!)
- You’re so young! (Am I? What age is good for you then?)
- Just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant. (So, I spend tens of thousands for a baby and then my husband’s sperm count will magically go up?)
- Just have sex on days 10, 12 and 14. (In a perfect cycle, in a perfect world…I suppose I’m just one of the abnormal ones!)
Here are some other non-sensical, insensitive comments:
- I thought you guys were trying…what happened, did you take a break? (Ummm….yeah, we took a break. You know, we like to keep it spontaneous!)
- It’s easy, just stick it in, have some fun and Bam! (No, really, it isn’t that easy!)
- Have you tried…(insert the latest infertile craze here)?…That worked for my (cousin, neighbor, co-worker, sister, etc.) (Oh did it now!! Well, thank you so much! Now can I have her body, eggs, and her husband’s sperm?)
- Is it you or your husband? (Did you seriously just ask me that???)
- There’s always next time! (Ummm yeah, after I pay out my life savings to my doctor, and wait for my body to calm down from all these stims…)
- But, is it really all that stressful? (Well, yeah after you go through all of the drugs, getting poked and prodded every day, wait for your follicles to grow, pray that they are of the best quality, hope that you get at least some to fertilize and then of course to implant all the while trying to keep it real that it comes with no guarantees…yeah I would say that’s pretty stressful!)
And here are some things “frustrated” parents say:
- At least you can spend your money on other things. (NO, really I can’t though. I’m broke!)
- Well, enjoy going out and sleeping in because that’s all over when you have kids. (I want to wake up early with my kids…those mornings would make my whole day!)
- Just enjoy yourself ’cause kids can be brutal! (Really? Are you serious?)
- Well, you can take mine if you want…(insert silly giggle here). (O.K. Don’t even joke because you know I was just thinking about how I could get away with that!)
- Don’t ever have kids…EVER! (Seriously?????)
And of course the number one question that is the most irratating for me now that I’ve been successful (even though I am more than happy to talk about my experience) is:
Are they natural? (No, they are martian and artificial all rolled into one. I am THAT freakin’ unbelievable!)
I can’t believe people ask you if your baby is “natural”!! What would make someone ask that?! Even before going through all of this I never once thought of that. I’m so sorry.
I get annoyed when the same people ask me over and over and over again…”So are you trying yet?” “Anything new” and then they look at my belly. I normally just say “no babies yet.” One pushy friend asked me so often I finally had to tell her sternly “I WILL TELL YOU WHEN I”M PREGNANT!” *Sigh*
What drives me nuts about people’s ignorant comments is that they honestly believe that what they are saying is somehow useful/comforting to the person they are saying it to! It’s unbelievable. IF and babyloss are two things that seem to cause people to start spewing platitudes about things they know nothing about. Ugh. Just ugh.
Some days it’s all you can do not to slap them, isn’t it?
{ICLW}
Why is it that everything you wrote up there… refers to me… people have said all of those to me… UGH!!! I hate it!
I love this post, and OMG, you are right on target with your thoughts. I think people don’t know what to say if they’ve never been through it. The best thing people have said to me (honestly good things): I’m praying for you. (I thought that was nice) and Is it okay to talk about it? (That was very thoughtful I thought making sure I was okay to even talk about the subject). It’s just so hard but I just try to remember that God has a plan and someday my husband and I will figure it out, too.
LOL, I’ve heard so many of those same comments. The latest one was a version of non-sensical, insensitive comments #3: Said in very-helpful-and-all-knowing-condesending-tone-of-voice -You should try hypnotherapy before your fertility treatment, my neighbor swears that’s what worked for her! (Yeah, because my husbands sperm will suddenly find their way past the blockage because I had hypnotherapy!)
Stopping by from ICLW and planning to stop by again
ugh people say the dumbest things. once after a failed cycle I was crying to a friend that AF came and she responded “why are you so upset? you can’t expect to get pregnant overnight. you just started treatment” I had been trying for 2 years at this point. I wanted to smack her, especially since both her kids were unplanned and she literally DID get pregnant overnight
Hahahahaha! I LOVE this post. It’s so true! I’ve heard at least half of those, some of them more than once. Sometimes, it’s so hard to bite my tongue! The other day my pregnant BFF (who got pregnant this time and the first time after having one day of random sex with her husband) said to me the other day, “Nothing good ever comes easy, my dear.” Um, SHUT UP! It came easy for YOU, so don’t say that to me.
My all time favorite: You’re still NOT pregnant YET????
Followed by: Do you WANT kids???
Thanks for posting
Venting is therapy!
Thanks everyone for your comments! Keep them coming!!
Amanda and Holly–Ouch! I would have been fuming over those!
Ashley…you would be surprised at how many ask that! I think it’s because I have twins and everyone thinks that twins are basically a product of doing treatments. (No one has asked me that about my daughter unless I’ve opened up about it first.) I personally think it’s so rude!!
Back in the fall when I first sought out an online IF community, I came across a list like this and it helped me so much. Made me realize that other people have heard these types of comments too. I’ve also realized how I want to be really sensitive to other hurting people. A friend of mine turned 31 and isn’t married yet, and she gets so many insensitive comments too, we were venting about that the other day and it really helped.
iwillbeamom.blogspot.com
Oy. These are all true and all so ridiculous. One of my worst ones — former boss came up to me and introduced me to his granddaughter by saying “This is Rebecca, she’s not even a mommy.” Why, thanks!
Great post. I have heard most of these. I get annoying comments about how many we are going to put back in like I want to be Octomom. They look worried like I am all of the sudden pop out 8 kids. After I told a friend they retrieved 17 eggs, she looked at me and said “You are not going to put all of those back in?” Then another friend after hearing that we got out BFP jokingly said are there 1,2,3, or 4 in there? It made me feel like it was a joke to gossip about. I am still wrapping my head around being pregnant, so it just rubbed me the wrong way.
ICLW
I was recently fired from my position of eight years as a Program Manager with a non-profit workforce development agency for women. The day before my termination, a co-worker circulated a “poem” which, in a nutshell, in an effort to make women feel better about themselves told them to look at the empty lives of other women who appeared to have it all. The poem listed three things that these women could have going on in their lives….they could have hell in their heart, be unable to have children or be lonely. I fall into the category of not being able to have children after my husband and I went through three long and painful years of infertility treatment. My boss is fully aware of this and allowed the “poem” to be distributed anyways. When I told her how upset it made me, she told me she didn’t see it that way. We argued the point and I said that I wanted our Board to review it. The next day I was fired.
Someone will always be prettier
Someone will always be smarter
Some of their houses will be bigger
Some will drive a better car
Their children will do better in school
And their husband will fix more things around the house
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children
And the richest woman you know,
she’s got the car, the house, the clothes might be lonely
And the word says, ‘If I have not Love, I am nothing.’
So, again, love you
Love who you are
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
‘I am too Blessed to be Stressed
and too Anointed to be Disappointed!’
‘Winners make things happen Losers let things happen.’
Be ‘Blessed’ Ladies
You post awsome articles. Bookmarked for future referrence !
The latest comments I’ve received after just telling these people:
“Are you pregnant yet?”
“Maybe you’ll be like Octomom, (insert giggle)”
Nice, isn’t it? I think it’s truly insensitive, and ignorant to say the least. At this point I spare them any details.
The Cs
#78 ICLW
I love the well maybe you guys just arent ready yet……. so what all the unplanned pregnancies, and abortions and unwanted children were given to people that were ready? serioulsy!!!!!
I know this is an old post – but I recently received a comment that I thought could make people laugh.
“Maybe you should try sprucing things up a bit … like you know… get wild in the bedroom”
RIIIGHT – cause sexy lingerie and tantric sex will make me pregnant!